Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Why Can't I Get it Together?

There are times when this illness is just so frustrating! Every day there are things I need to do in order to help stabilize my illness, and I can't do it. I often ask myself "Why can't I get it together?" Why can't I do all the things I need to help myself?

Why? Because there are times in the cycle of this illness where you just don't care anymore. There are times when you think no matter what you do you won't get any better so there is no reason trying. There are times when you know you should not be doing something because it is bad for you, but you do it anyway- it is like you are watching a train wreck happen and you can't stop it. There are times when we are in a social setting where self care such as a certain diet, sleep schedule, and exercise schedule seems ridiculous to other people so you don't do it because you don't want to be judged or made fun of. And frankly, the list of things one needs to do each day just to get by is ridiculously long and sometimes you are just too tired to do them all.

I have been trying to "get it together" for years and sometimes it happens, often it doesn't, but I can't give up hope. I do the best I can and keep fighting to get better. In times like these I try to remember what I want to get better for. I wish I had enough self-esteem to say I want to get better for myself, and that is my biggest motivator, but right now it isn't. I want to get better for my son who would be devastated if something happened to me. I want to get better for my husband who loves me too, and my parents so I can be here to help them. I want to get better because I love being a minister.

In times when you just can't get it together, what keeps you fighting for your health?

For those of you with a loved one whom you are trying to help, in my experience, it has never helped for other people to tell me what things/people I need to get better for. Saying I need to get better for my husband or son just makes me feel guilty. Saying I need to get better because other people in the world have it worse than me makes me feel guilty and mad. However, people who have told me I need to get better because I am worth it and deserve a good life, did make a difference. I know, it sounds backwards to some people, but that is what works for me. I would sum it up to say that unconditional love, not judgment, helps me. I don't know what will work for your loved one, but I just wanted to let you know what helped me in case they might be similar and it helps them.


Rev. Katie


  1. Katie, your timing is wonderful...your words are so fitting tonight and you are a gifted writer and friend who I am so thankful you are in our life...
    love, Barbara

  2. I think of it not as getting better, or as getting my life together, but just as moving forward. It is easier for me to deal with everything if I make note of each little step I have taken ahead. I try to appreciate all of my little victories. This includes things a lot of other people might take for granted like waking up on time, brushing my teeth, showering, cleaning, exercising, cooking healthy food, etc. I attempted suicide about 20 years ago. In going through the shame of a failed suicide attempt, I decided that I would never try to kill myself again and that the only choice I have is to keep moving forward.