Sometimes I hate my medicine. I hate that it makes me a different person than I was before. I hate that while it may help the bipolar, it gets rid of some of the things I like about myself.
For instance, I went to play Dance Dance, Revolution (a dance video game) with my son today and I can hardly play it. My coordination is awful now. This upsets me because I have fun playing this game, but more importantly, this is something my son and I love to do together.
When my bipolar is bad, I rarely have the energy to play the game with him. Now I am feeling a bit better, but I can't play the game because of the medicine. That just does not seem fair. I know I should not care and just have fun and play it anyway, but I do not like losing part of myself, something that I was good at. And honestly, it is really not the same and not as fun, to fail every time.
As I try to do things I used to be able to do, I am finding how much my medication has changed me and made some things impossible to do and other things much harder to do. I trip over myself running now, I am much more tired and dizzy all day, and my heart races when I am exercising.
I am constantly struggling with the question of: Is the medicine worth it? I don't know yet and I will just wait and see, but I know this is one of the big reasons why people stop their medication. While you gain some things, you may loose a lot of yourself.