Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Just Can't Get a Break

Every time it seems like I am getting a little better, something else goes all wrong. I posted last week about not having that sense of doom all the time in Goodbye Heavy Heart. Well, that did not last for too long. I am severly depressed again and I am now having extreme panic attacks.

I have two classes of panic attacks, one is my everyday attack. Sweaty palms, racing heart, anxiety and fear. I can usually mentally talk myself through those. There is a second class of panic attack that I rarely get, but when I do they are horriffic. It is like the most extreme terror you have ever felt in your life, magnified because you have no idea why it is happening. You feel like you might die, or your mind will split in two because the fear is so intense. Reality is all distorted and you think extremely bad things will happen. Usually I get these attacks in response to something and it stops after the trigger is gone or I have talked it through with Jeff (my reality meter.) This past week though, they keep happening.

Love statue in PA. Photo by Jeff Norris

I have to admit, I hate feeling crazy. I hate that just when I get a whole bunch of stuff in order to be healthy, bad things still happen. In times like these, all I have left is faith. Faith that somehow things will get better and we will figure this all out. I will get the right medications and work on whatever issues bring up the trigger so I can get through this. I have faith, but honestly I have no idea where this faith comes from. It's basically a belief that love conquers all and there can be a Happily Ever After.


Rev. Katie

No comments:

Post a Comment